We are America's first... We are the World's first... We are the Galaxy's first...  We are The Universe's FIRST [and, as of today (
),ONLY] Non-Denominational, Virtual Confessional Service that can GUARANTEE - with 100% CERTAINTY: YOU WILL NOT GO TO HELL!
More details, how we're different, etc.
1. "No Hell" GUARANTEE!
We are the first (and thus far ONLY) "Virtual Confessional" that can provide you with THIS:
2. We are NON-DENOMINATIONAL...
It doesn't really matter to us if you believe in...
1 God? A Holy Trinity of 3 Gods? 69 Gods? Jesus? Buddah? Allah? Rihanna? Zeus? Santa Claus? The Tooth Fairy? Tom Brady? Ted Danson's character in The Good Place? Morgan Freeman's character in [like every movie, ever!]? Rick Grimes? Superman? Zod? Zeus? Athena? Wonder Woman? Captain Marvel? Captain America? Captain Crunch? or a grilled cheese sandwich that looks like any combination or permutation of the above!
And, whether you believe you're headed to HEAVENor Havana (Cuba?),HELLor Helsinki (Finland?), everyone can confess with our services (and receive our OFFICIAL "Get Out Of Hell, Free" CARD)... [Ya know, JUST IN CASE there actually IS a Hell, and JUST IN CASEyou actually DO end up there!]
Better to be safe than sorryburning in the flames of Hell for all of Eternity!
3. We Have 3-WAYS!
[Wait, what?! NO! We didn't mean "3-Ways!"]
Correction: We Have 3 WAYS for you to Confess Your Sins!
[And NONE of the 3 ways to confess will require you to really go anywhere (if you’re tired or hungover after a long night of sinning?)... Heck, you can confess before you even get out of your bed (or the bed of whomever you're about to confess details of your night with!)]
APOLOGIES: The CallToConfess.com Phone Number is Temporarily Out of Service. It crashed recently due to a sudden, huge spike in call volume recently - mostly from the Washington D.C. area for some inexplicable reason]
We apologize for the temporary inconvenience. In the meantime, please try one of the other methods below:
NOTE: These cards are POSTCARD-SIZE. [If on a mobile phone, turn phone horizontally for larger, easier-to-read image] Cards may be purchased at bottom of this page. Please note, the cards might take a week or so to arrive by mail. So... A) we suggest buying them in bulk so you have them immediately available every time you sin! B) In the meantime, especially if you have already committed your sins, we suggest you instead/also use our new INSTANT confessional service below:
3c) Online "Time to Confess" Service (below; scroll down)
CONFESS ONLINE INSTANTLY! Type Up Sins:
IMPORTANT: Unlike more traditional confession options... Confessions via our services are PUBLIC CONFESSIONS - not that private crap that's supposedly confidential - between you and God? a priest? a rabbi? a "porcellan god" toilet?) Your confessions are posted publicly for the world to see (and perhaps shared on social media for the collective genius of the internet to weigh in on!) -- so, PLEASE, do not include real names or other identifying information!
Confessions Displayed via TimelyMessage.com Calendar (below)
TimelyMessage.com's OFFICIAL CALENDAR (of Minutes, Moments, Memories, Messages, and More!)
If you don't want to confess, we can still help you...