[*SATIRE] Breaking Up Is Easy To Do (.com)

I'm sorry but, unfortunately, this is the end of    our relationship. our friendship. our engagement. our marriage. our friends-with-benefits arrangement. whatever this ever was between us. our extra-marital affair. our same-sex domestic partnership. our business relationship. our plan to take over the world.

I know that you may think I am  a big jerk a spineless coward pretty clever damn cool technologically savvy just kidding irresistably sexy hurting my future political aspirations  by ending it this way, but it's only because  I couldn't find the words myself. I didn't want to see the pain in your eyes. I didn't want you to try to talk me out of it. I lost my phone and forgot your phone number. I'm a spineless coward. I'm an insensitive jerk. I'm super busy! And maybe a little lazy. And... I have much better things to do with my time. I think my social media followers will like it; I might even go viral! I'm rushing off to the hospital to have an emergency floofendectemy-removal.

I know this may come as a big shock no surprise at all a huge relief a sign that your friends and family were right about me all along a sign that the apocalypse is upon us something that is obviously intended as a joke a file attachment that you're afraid to open so you'll never hear it

and I can't really explain it except to say that my feelings have changed I just can't give you what you want I've been seeing someone else My therapist doesn't think you're right for me I'm under investigation by the FBI I can't find my red stapler I've been experiencing a burning sensation when I urinate

Believe me, this is as difficult for me as it is for you; anything I've ever had to do before; matching my socks each morning; as that complex "red, green, yellow" color-coding system on traffic lights; breathing; mowing the lawn with a nail clipper; well, actually... this BreakingUpIsEasyToDo.com tool makes it super-EASY!

and it hurts me as much as it hurts you. anything I've ever experienced before. ...well, as... as much as something that hurts... a lot. playing leapfrog with unicorns. that time I tried to pierce my ear with a rusty butter knife. ... oh, who am I kidding, I feel completely liberated!

In closing, I just want to say that I am very  sorry, ashamed, horny, sexy, excited for the opportunity to pursue other relationships; happy that I invested in Bitcoin in 2015; hungry, so I think I'll order a pizza;

and I really hope that we can still  be friends. hang out. engage in civil and intellectually stimulating dialogue. use each other for late-night booty calls. work out an agreeable custody schedule for the children. stick to the story that we have no idea who toilet-papered your neighbor's house. go to the prom together.

I will never forget the time
we spent together. we made that video. I spent with your best friend. I spent with your mother. I spent with your father. I spent with your conjoined twin while you were sleeping. we got married in Vegas. Wait, was that you?? ...um... well, I guess I already forgot.

Anyway, I hope you understand
how much you meant to me. how much I'll miss you. how lucky you were to have been with me at all. that the flux capacitor is what makes time travel possible. that this is completely serious and it really is over between us. that this is COMPLETELY JUST A JOKE! Let me know when you've read it!