The guy who wrote them (Jeff) suffers from severe social anxiety (which makes normal outreach methods as comfortable for him as it might be for a normal person to sing the national anthem on live TV, in their underwear, covered in barbecue sauce, while balancing on a tightrope, above a cage of hungry lions). He is also America's most A.D.D. Entrepreneur (IamADD.com) so even if he intends to reach out or follow up, he often gets distracted before even finishing his [...]

Hi. My name is Jeff. I think I’ve got some pretty good viral marketing ideas for you. But I’m also busy, lazy, lactose-intolerant, and The Most A.D.D. Entrepreneur in America - so it would take WAY too much effort to contact all of you individually (“ain’t nobody got time for that!”). So I’m reaching out to all of you via this “Open Letter Experiment” instead.

** Clarification on my laziness: I’m NOT “sit-on-the-couch-and-eat-pizza-in-my-boxers-all-day” lazy. I’m more like “why-contact-137-companies-individually-if-I-can-just-write-this-one-letter-instead” lazy. So maybe let’s just call me “efficient” instead of lazy? (Speaking of chicken burritos, I’m also super-A.D.D. And I have a crush on Anna Kendrick. I wonder if she’ll see this. I wonder if she likes greek yogurt and hummus. I wonder, if you mix those, would it be called greek yogus or greek hummurt? Did I mention IamADD(.com)?)

Anyway, I’d like to think my personal brand is “I Create Viral Sh*t.” I think I can get 12.5% of my ideas to go viral and reach millions of people. (#DontRollYourEyes #IveDoneItBefore #HumbleBrag www.ViralWhatever.com if you don't believe me). But I don’t always know which of my ideas will be the big winners. And the other 87.25% of my ideas might suck. So I figure I’ll just go ahead and launch ALL my ideas at once, cross my fingers, see what happens, and hope that maybe one of you will buy one of my ideas for A BAZILLION DOLLARS!*

*Editor’s Note: JK about "a bazillion dollars". LOL - that's crazy-talk! But, for realsies, the actual price is a much more reasonable: $1.65 Billion (or best offer)

In an effort to be efficient (not lazy!), please accept this letter as my official offer to sell [you] one of my marketing campaigns for the limited-time-only, bargain price of 1.65 Billion Dollars (or best offer). Please contact us to continue these negotiations and discuss details. 

Thanks for your time. I eagerly await your acceptance of this offer and/or any counter-offer you might have.

Sincerely,
Jeff G.,  TheWhateverNetwork.com

WRITING SAMPLE: 

[As I mentioned in my Open Letter, I'm kinda lazy. So I tried to think of the shortest possible way that I could provide you with a writing sample and I decided on a Haiku because it's only 3 lines long (5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables). I'm pretty lazy, but even I can manage 17 syllables!

The GREATEST Haiku You'll EVER Read:

Marketing is ART.
So, why not work with the KING?
I dare say, that’s ME!

*IMPORTANT NOTES ON ABOVE HAIKU:

1: Normally I wouldn’t be so arrogant as to call myself “the KING” of anything – but “someone who is pretty good at marketing” had too many syllables for my Haiku.
2: To be honest, I’ve always thought the whole Haiku idea is weird. I mean, any 3 lines of 5/7/5 syllables? That just seems kinda arbitrary (dare I say dumb?) and not very difficult.
3: But I guess you could always just try to make your Haiku much more challenging - by also making the first word of the Haiku (MARKETING) be a perfect anagram of the last word of each line (ART, KING, ME).
(mARkeTing, marKetING, MarkEting)
 
Boom!!!  Now that’s some clever sh*t right there if I do say so myself! (And I do!)

P.S. If you would like to be the official sponsor of the once-in-a-generation, ingeniously-genius Haiku above, for the limited-time-only reduced-price sponsorship fee of 1.32 Billion Dollars, please contact us!