Open Letter Experiment

To Whom It May Concern at [any/every company/brand in America],

Hi. My name is Jeff. I think I’ve got some pretty good viral marketing ideas for you. But I’m also #LazyAF - and it would take WAY too much effort to contact you all individually (“ain’t nobody got time for that!”). So I’m reaching out to all of you via this “Open Letter Experiment” instead.

* Clarification on my laziness: I’m NOT “sit-on-the-couch-and-eat-pizza-in-my-boxers-all-day” lazy. I’m more like “why-contact-137-companies-individually-if-I-can-just-write-this-one-letter-instead” lazy. So maybe let’s just call me “efficient” instead of lazy? (Speaking of chicken burritos, I’m also super-A.D.D. And I have a crush on Jennifer Lawrence. I wonder if she’ll see this. I wonder if she likes greek yogurt and hummus. I wonder, if you mix those, would it be called greek yogus or greek hummurt? Did I mention IamADD(.com)?)

Jeff-On-CnnAnyway, I’d like to think my personal brand is “I Create Viral Sh*t.” I think I can get like 12.75% of my ideas to go viral and reach millions of people. (#DontRollYourEyes #IveDoneItBefore #HumbleBrag) But I don’t always know which of my ideas will be the big winners. And the other 87.25% of my ideas might suck. So I figure I’ll just go ahead and launch ALL my ideas at once, cross my fingers, see what happens, and hope that maybe one of you will buy one of my ideas for A BAZILLION DOLLARS!*

*Editor’s Note: JK about the "bazillion dollars". HaHa. LOL. OMG. ROTFL. WTF.  BYOB. A bazillion dollars?! That’s crazy-talk! But for realsies, my actual price is much more reasonable: $1.65 Billion (or best offer)

In an effort to be efficient (not lazy!), please accept this letter as my official offer to sell you one of my marketing campaigns for the limited-time-only, bargain price of 1.65 Billion Dollars (or best offer). Please contact us or see below for links to your custom marketing campaigns. 

Thanks for your time. I eagerly await your acceptance of this offer and/or any counter-offer you might have.

Jeff G.,

P.S. Coming Soon:

"Click Here to See the Launch Schedule of All Our Marketing Campaigns for All Brands!” -or- 
“Click Here to See the Marketing Campaign We Have Prepared Specifically for YOUR Brand!”

P.P.S. [Supplemental Information]


[As I mentioned in my Open Letter, I'm kinda lazy. So I tried to think of the shortest possible way that I could provide you with a writing sample and I decided on a Haiku because it's only 3 lines long (5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables, for a total of 17 syllables). I'm pretty lazy, but even I can manage 17 syllables.]

My Haiku:

Marketing is ART.
So you should work with the KING.
I dare say, that’s ME!

1: Normally I wouldn’t be so arrogant as to call myself “the KING” of anything – but “someone who is pretty good at marketing” had too many syllables for my Haiku.
2: To be honest, I’ve always thought the whole Haiku idea is weird. I mean, any 3 lines of 5/7/5 syllables? That just seems kinda arbitrary (dare I say dumb?) and not very difficult.
3: But I guess you could always just try to make your Haiku more challenging by also making the first word of the Haiku (MARKETING) be a perfect anagram of the last word of each line (ART, KING, ME).
(mARkeTing, marKetING, MarkEting)
Boom!!!  Now that’s some clever sh*t right there if I do say so myself!

P.S. If you would like to be the official sponsor of the ingenious Haiku above, for the limited-time-only reduced-price sponsorship fee of 1.32 Billion Dollars, please contact us!